Say hello to a whole new version of them! From Adam Richman to Miranda Lambert, everyone is either hitting the gym or selling their souls to the demon of dieting. These are the celebrities who waved goodbye to their old bodies to transform into a whole new person. While mentally distressed or physically unwell, they have to deal with crazy schedules, the paparazzi, and trying to keep up with the Kardashians during all of the Hollywood hullabaloo. Check out these stars who watched those pounds just fall away to float into the universe and disintegrate into the atmosphere, never to be seen again except for the possibility of relapse and caving into the cheesy bacon burger temptations.
It was man versus food on Adam Richman’s show, “Man vs. Food.” Now it’s man versus social media damage control because Adam used the controversial word “thinspiration” when promoting his new body on Instagram. The Travel Channel was reportedly planning to postpone his new season and then a whole bunch of stuff happened so he got a new show called “Food Fighters.” Unless there are giant hamburgers with giant rocket launchers that shoot french fries, this does not sound like a ratings boost.
Miranda Lambert traded Cheetos for nuts and bacon for healthy green juice. However, the country superstar still allows a place at the table for fried chicken so it’s all gravy. Miranda lost 20.4 kilograms, which translates to 45 pounds for all of the American readers out there. Country music and the number 45 go together if you just ask Sheryl Crow, who once sang, “I’ve got my 45 on so I can rock on.”
Christina Aguilera had a fitness guru and did yoga. Yoga Fire is a special move from the video game Street Fighter. Street Fighter was made into a movie starring Kylie Minogue. Kylie Minogue is a singer who went on tour with the theme of the Greek goddess Aphrodite. Aphrodite was known as the goddess of love. Love is the emotion that Christina probably felt when she found out she was pregnant with a baby girl!
Chris Pratt is so shredded. He is like shredded lettuce. He is ripped jeans bulging at the seams. Watch out for Pratt attacking your aural senses when you watch him in movies. This movie “Guardians of the Galaxy” has promo commercials airing all day, everyday, that it seems impossible to escape the display of beefy muscles on Pratt. Well, that raccoon looks a little bit cool too. The raccoon is not as built, though. Chris seriously needs to top his scene from “What’s Your Number” when Anna Faris crashes his wedding and goes, “Blessed be this union and may it bear fruit!”
Khloe Kardashian has been weight training with medicine balls and boxing. This already sounds like too much physical activity to think about. First, there are the balls with the heavy weight and then the boxing with the possibility of concussions. Oh and don’t forget all of the microbes and bacteria that can swarm in the gym. Yes, they do sanitize but what about the stray germ? Who will protect us from the stray germs?
Jason Segel said that he gave up midnight pizza. So that moment when you wake up in a cold sweat, walk downstairs to the kitchen, refuse to turn on the light or else you’ll wake up your family members, and order pizza online is a moment Segel would have blocked out of his mind. Segel is going to be in a movie with Cameron Diaz. In the commercial, they make a joke about how nobody understands the “cloud.” If this movie pans out, Segel should celebrate with a pan of pizza.
Rosie O’ Donnell supposedly had two thirds of her stomach surgically removed and was very open about the dieting details. Anyone who adopts all of those kids and publicly spends time doing arts and crafts with them is allowed to do whatever she wants! Once upon a time Rosie had her own talk show and she used a slingshot to throw things at her audience at the end of her show. That was good TV, folks!
Snooki from the Jersey Shore was allegedly taking Zantrex tablets that burned fat and Human Chorionic Gonadotropin hormones. Google results for HGC show that the pills can be bought for a 60 day supply that costs $61.99 and it comes with a money back guarantee. Snooki was also seen promoting pistachios on billboards near Times Square. Could pistachios and hormones be the new trend? Snooki would know.
Emma Stone reportedly said that keeping weight on is a struggle for her. Many people would be jealous of you, Emma. If it’s difficult to keep the weight on, then the simple act of walking through a door could set off a chain reaction of events that could lead to the untimely thinning of your waistline. Then maybe you’ll be too weak to play Gwen Stacy in those Spiderman movies opposite your boy Andrew Garfield. Emma plus Andrew 4eva.
Jonah Hill got a nutritionist who told him how to slim down for his role in “Moneyball.” He claimed that it was Japanese food and cutting back on beer that made all the difference. The secret is in the sushi! Nobody can resist the crunchy batter of chicken katsu or the spicy zing of wasabi-infused salmon roe. Head to the nearest Benihana and you can be just like the star of “Superbad” and “21 Jump Street” and “22 Jump Street.”
We’ll never see the same Seth Rogen again. That’s okay because people change. Seth Rogen sure did. He was knocking up in the movie “Knocked Up” and now he’s an interviewer in the movie “The Interview.” He actually framed his face with facial hair and a shorter haircut so this guy knows how to work those angles well. And if we go to war with North Korea since Kim Jong Un doesn’t like the sound of that movie you’re in, then at least you have the weight loss.
Taylor Swift has been hanging out with all of those skinny mini fashion models and has been snapped at the gyms in Manhattan so this can only mean one thing. She could be going into the gym franchise-owning business one tall leg at a time. Taylor said she likes to blast a whole bunch of songs and be “running to the beat.” It looks like all of this beat running has been working well enough to maintain those toothpick legs. The legs! It’s all about the legs.
Jake Gyllenhaal will not be crawling in the night in a new movie called “Nightcrawler.” But hopefully this movie will make enough money to feed him a cheeseburger after it’s produced because he’s been looking scarily skinny. The guy was a big muscle boy in the Prince of Persia movie and now he’s the skeleton of Persia. Gyllenhaal reportedly said that he didn’t diet or exercise so anyone’s guess is that he did a sort of diet where he simply ate less. That’s willpower!
Jennifer Hudson lost 80 pounds in four years while she was a spokesperson for Weight Watchers. She then went to Mexico and Instagrammed some pics of herself on the beach and there were over 20,000 likes on her pics. And she is telling you she is not going back to the thicker JHud! Tear down the mountains. Yell, scream and shout and say what you want but she’s not walking back to Weight Watchers because she has musical plans. And you’re gonna love her.
Look at you, Beyonce! You came out with a surprise album, had a baby, and went on a tour with Jay-Z. Also you went on a 22-day vegan diet that supposedly had vanilla chia pudding, berries, hummus, and raw vegetables. The pudding sounds pretty good with the berries but what do people do with the hummus? And the raw veggies? Do they get soaked in vinegar or ranch dressing because there’s only so much sacrifice a person can make!
